Before You Call Yourself “Friend”

I’ve never been one of those women who will say I have 200 good friends.   I don’t think that’s possible.   I may have 100’s of acquaintances I can chit chat with at parties, or do the smile and wave at the grocery store, but when it comes to friends, meaning people who matter, people who would be invited to family events, weddings, who would be called in an emergency, who I can trust to have my back?   I have a handful.

I’m damn lucky, because some people don’t have those.   I have friends in my life who I absolutely trust, who I would not question to make a decision for me in a time of crisis, who I would trust to care for my children, who I would trust with my man, who I never, ever doubt for a second, and who never doubts me.

Heartbreakingly, the past year or so, I have learned that some people in my life really aren’t the friends I thought in my heart they were.   Did it hurt?  Yes.   Does it still cause me pain?  Absolutely.    In one particular instance, I have made a conscious effort until this point to speak very little to others who know us both.    In fact, aside from discussing a particularly nasty altercation months ago with one of my very closest friends, after some horrible things were said to me, some venomous accusations were made and I needed a friend to talk to, I haven’t campaigned to bring anyone else into what I felt was between two people.

After that exhausting round, I wanted to just step back, take a breather and stop talking before things got worse.   I don’t think that there is any point to try and pursue any type of communication with a person if you are harboring resentment or rage.   For whatever reason, someone I had been close to for a very long time is and has been angry with me, not just angry, but raging mad about every single thing I say or do.

Decisions I made were called desperate.    My life was called a lie.   My relationship was dismissed as doomed to fail.   I was dared to declare that I was pretending to be happy when I needed to admit it wasn’t working.  WTF?!?!!

The fact was, at the time, while I was still sad over the state of a friendship, my life here in Pleasantville was (and is) pretty fucking awesome.   For someone who is supposed to love me to try and pick it apart, to say that there is something wrong with what I’m doing simply because they’re mad at me and want me to be upset, too?   That’s not OK.   That is NOT how friendship works.

Hence the need for a time out.   A necessary action if there was to be a hope to turn around a relationship once the anger on her end had been let go of, when we could possibly sit down and talk about what the real issues may be.

Fast forward two months.   I have a dream about something that happened a year and a half ago.   I post a status on my personal Facebook status about how I woke up hurting from it, and also fuck them.   This person is not friends with me on Facebook, we haven’t spoken in probably 8+ months, etc.

So, I get a message last night, telling me I’m passive aggressive and low class.    Saying that they are tired of seeing posts and wondering if they are about them, so they’re deleting me from Facebook, and that they were going to try and be my friend again, but changed their mind after seeing my post.

From what I was led to understand, someone who is a mutual friend saw my status about a dream, and out of overwhelming concern, immediately contacted this person because they knew we’d had a rift, and wanted to know if the post I’d written was about them.

Here’s where I’m going to take off my censor, so if you’re easily offended, I’d suggest you stop reading now.

One, if you’re such a good “friend” to me, why don’t you ask ME what the post is about?

Oh right, because it’s much more exciting to go running to someone else and stir up some drama, isn’t it?   Especially because you can bet your sweet ass that person you’re running to is going to see it and assume, even though I’ve told them repeatedly probably 10 times in as many months if I have something to say ABOUT them, I will say it TO them that the post MUST be about them and will have to write me and say something nasty.

I haven’t sent out a group email to all our mutual friends about the argument we got into way back in February, nor did I pass notes during Study Hall, or campaign in the lunch room to make sure everyone heard my side so they’d all all think I’m right… so I honestly don’t give a rat’s fuck what those people who are so incredibly concerned think.    I don’t care whose side they take, and if they are more interested in hearing the juicy details of a painful fight between two women who are hurt from this than they are in helping to resolve it, then honestly, I don’t want them on my side in the first place.

What they seem to be mainly concerned with is perpetuating some high school drama and feeding on the trigger points of someone who is just itching to vilify me, who wants to find yet another reason to point the finger and say “Look at Carrie the Bitch!   What an Asshole!   Here’s my justification for saying the shitty things about a person who was my friend for decades!”

I don’t care how close of a friend anyone is to me, they are not, nor have they ever been the center of my universe.   That role is reserved for my children and my family.    I do not spend my efforts looking for ways to create passive aggressive drama through dream analysis on Facebook.

So while an hour this morning has been reserved for me to get this off my chest on my blog, and I spent some time last night deleting folks on Facebook, I am done worrying that something I post about my feelings, my life, or the mother fucking weather can somehow be misinterpreted to be about someone else.

If I have a dream that upsets me, I have a right to post something about it without having to wonder if anyone is going to think it’s about them.   If I find a photo that has an insulting blonde joke on it, I don’t cringe every time one of my flaxen haired friends sends me a text, thinking they must have gotten offended by it, assuming it was taken literally and all about them.

Just like any one of the now 180 less FB friends I have can post whatever damn thing they want, and I don’t have to react to it.   If someone posts about how they can’t stand Amazon, freckle faced, opinionated, big titted women from Texas whose names start with C, I might assume they are talking about me.


If they ARE posting about me, then awesome.   That means I matter enough to them that they are taking time out of their day to post a status all about me.   Which is great.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter one iota.   Unless you’re simply looking for a reason to perpetuate some drama, continue to be angry, or sever ties with a person and can’t reach into your bag of reasons and come up with anything better.

My response to that is the same as it is with anyone.   If you don’t want to be a part of my life?  Don’t.   Life is to short to have to beg people to share it with you when there are plenty of those out there who want to be a part of the every day that is you.

You don’t have to hate someone to say goodbye.

You don’t have to win.

You don’t have to be right.

They don’t have to be evil to justify walking away.

There doesn’t have to be a showdown.

Just because you love a person doesn’t mean you always like them.

My heart will always hold the people I call friend.   Even the ones who have left me, who have hurt me, who might never cross my path again.    It’s the price to be paid for the history we shared, and that is a cost I gladly pay, even though sometimes I am reminded that life might be a bit easier if my skin were thicker…

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20 Responses to Before You Call Yourself “Friend”

  1. Twice Shy says:

    Wow! Having just endured exactly the same experience you described, may I say three cheers for Rocker MOM!! 1 week ago I was told that I am a horrible friend and that I mistreat people (among other insane accusations). The demise of a 5 yr friendship stemmed from a conversation where a “friend” asked if I wanted her in my life. I refused to answer that questions for the 10th time without a reason from her as to why she asks such a thing. Figuring we could deduce why she feels this way if she could tell me WHAT I DO that makes her feel that way. The ONLY response I ever got was that I don’t call, email or text her enough (she lives 20 minutes away) followed by a stream of horrible, ugly words, lies, threats and false accusations. I took the same route you did, with the exception of giving her a chance to talk it out later. I told her to never contact me again (which of course she did). I shared no details with our mutual friends, and those who asked only know 1.the question she asked me, 2.the questions I asked her and 3.the fact that no reason was ever given. Some friends never learn that they are not the center of everyone’s universe. I tend to blame their dumbfuck parents for turning these-types of grown women into insecure, needy, childish assholes, but the truth is when you’re a grownup, it’s no one’s fault but your own. My ex-friend, like your friend, will suffer thru needless arguments, hurt feelings, harsh words and broken relationships for the remainder of her life. For her this will never end. But I am blessed; for me, it’s over! 🙂

  2. Michele Martin says:

    I feel like you took a peek into my heart and wrote mostly about what you saw there. I’ve been going through a major life change, during which I’ve been finding out who my friends are. Thank you for putting some things into perspective for me.

  3. Deborah the Closet Monster says:

    I love and endorse your conclusions, but feel chagrined about the circumstances that led to them. I felt like I was revisiting 4th grade while reading aboit the “concerned” friend.Ugh.

    • Site Admin says:

      Deb, I did as well. I’ve heard for months, that some “friend” said this, or some “friend” was worried so they just HAD to bring something to attention… none of these friends ever came to me to ask what was going on. None of these friends ever expressed any concern to me, or tried to bridge the gap, which is what it seems to me would be the logical step that a truly concerned friend would attempt to take. I have not discussed my stance on this with many people at all, especially anyone who knows the two of us, because of that inclination for folks to return to high school, take sides, and blow situations up.

      I feel like people simply want to stir the pot, perpetuate the drama, and fuel any negative feelings that might otherwise heal on their own. That’s petty and childish. Those people do not, in fact have the right to call me “friend”, because friends do not find pleasure in another person’s pain. 😦 I’ll walk away and stick to the people I know aren’t looking to shove a knife in my ribs as soon as my back is turned.

    • 4th grade…you give them too much credit my friend.

      • Deborah the Closet Monster says:

        I just went with 4th grade because that’s the last time I remember engaging in such shenanigans. I feel mildly ashamed to admit it.

        I’m caught up in a milder version of this myself, and wondering just why on earth anyone would hate their own life so much they’d just keep trying to create messes for others. Oy, oy, and more oy! (With a side of ugh.)

  4. Fan says:

    Was this blog post about me?

    • Site Admin says:

      OMFG. I love you so much. 🙂

      Yes, it was all about you. Isn’t everything?

      • Fan says:

        Well, a friend said you posted something about me and was concerned that something was wrong. So I came here to see what they were talking about. They were right, something is obviously wrong. You must have hit you head because you are posting nice things about me in public. I am scared. 🙂

      • Site Admin says:

        Nothing is wrong. I am just drunk. Please show me your wallet so I feel better. Thankyouverymuch.

  5. Well fuck sticks. I thought you had finally written a poetic tribute to me. Damn Fan always whoring for attention.

  6. Canadian Snow Lizard says:

    Great blog (as usual)..strange that I felt I was meant to read this one in particular. MY best friend in the world since we were 12 (for over 30 yrs) decided 6 yrs ago that I was never ever going to be spoken to again. Why you ask? Your guess would be as good as mine. I was told by my only sister (who ex-bestie is good friends with (now)) that she knows the reason but I should contact said ex-bestie to get her explanation – she didn’t want to get involved. Three phone calls and left messages, and umpteen fucking emails and I started to snort fire and smoke from my nostrils – yep I got pissed. She would show up to my family “do’s” and pointedly ignore me or refer to me within earshot as HER or SHE…and I figured enough was enough…FUCK her..Now I pointedly IGNORE her when she is at my parents house and make sure she can’t access my FB page thru my kids (oh yes she added them as friends – stalker much??) SO…do you hear that flush Kris?? That would be 30+ years of friendship you flushed away with your childish behaviour. And do you know what is even more amazing?? I don’t miss you much – some day maybe you will grow up but this chickie isn’t waiting around. I still have friends. Great friends thank you – ones who will pick up a phone or text me if something bothers them. Thanks for letting me vent ladies…it’s theraputic once in awhile 😉

    • Canadian Snow Lizard says:

      I should have made it clearer that she never picked up the phone, returned any calls or answered any emails.

      • Site Admin says:

        I’m sorry you had to go through that. I hate not having answers, and in my case not knowing why every single thing I did made my friend so angry they had to hate me, but at the end of the day, I can’t take that on as my issue. Lord knows, I have plenty of those all on my own! 😉

  7. Karen says:

    If we’re lucky, there are typically at most 5 people in our lives, aside from relatives, who are really friends. The kind that will bail you out of jail. That’s your friend through good and bad times. That you can call and say “I need help.” and they’ll say “Where & when? I’ll be there.” Whoever you just cut out of your life were not friends. They were clingers. I know it’s hard and hurtful to do. I’ve had to do it. But it’s the right decision.

    • Site Admin says:

      You’re absolutely right, K. And I have those people who have been my friends for decades who would not, and have not ever let me down when it mattered, or wanted to hurt me for sport. Also, in the past year some pretty amazing new people have come into my life (yourself included), so I’m not losing sight of those blessings at all. Of course my heart aches over it, because under it all, I love… but love doesn’t mean blind acceptance of shitty behavior.

  8. Becky says:

    C my heart hurts for you. I can’t say I know how you feel but I can empathize. I feel both privileged and happy that I can call you my friend. So here is a warm, fuzzy hug just for you. I am looking forward to getting down for a visit although I don’t know when that wi be just now. Even though we have spent many years of being out of contact, you were never far from my heart. You are a beautiful woman inside and out!

  9. T. Marie says:

    This is freaky familiar to a situation that I had with what I considered one of my closest friends in the world…Our’s is one that came to blows over a simple misunderstanding that my 15 year old daughter created…We had decided to move out of state to be closer to my husband’s work, my daughter was angry with me…Pissed really. She went and said untrue things to my best friend-who instead of calling me, believed it all. She posted vague things about it on facebook, and then left me on as a friend that couldn’t view anything. haha. Why be fb friends at this point. Well in the mean time, we made our huge move, which to say the least was the hardest thing I have ever done, but was needed for my family. My “friend” continued to half heartedly pretend that nothing was wrong, but would leave random diss’es towards me on fb. Then in Feb, she removed me completely. I in turn emailed and asked why and a heated conversation occurred, in which she accused me of being a terrible mom and that supposedly my youngest child was a bully and a brat. My youngest has epilepsy and has struggled with his emotions for years due to it. Honestly attacking my parenting, especially hard parenting (it’s always hard with a special needs child) was insulting and hurtful…I in turn pointed out things that I shouldn’t have and our friendship was over. It took me months to get to a point where I could write to her and apologize…A letter that I cried while writing because the loss of friendship still breaks my heart. I never received a response and truly at this point shouldn’t expect it. It’s sad to lose someone I cared so much for…..But I hold no ill will and wish her the best and still and will always miss the friendship we had. Thank you so so much for sharing this and helping me see that it happens more then we think…

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