Soooooooooooooooo anyway, my posts lately have leaned toward the serious side. Or the sappy side, or the OMG Please Shoot Me In The Face If She Posts Another “I’m All In Love and Shit, Let’s Talk About My Pretty New House” Blog…
So tonight, because I’m in a mood, and by “mood” I mean that annoying, overtired, super silly, can’t give a rat’s ass about anything mood and also can’t stop giggling over Yoda Meme’s again. Yay! Of course, I should be packing, but being that my life is kind of turning out the way I envisioned thanks to watching “The Secret” video like 400 times, I have decided that if I keep picturing someone else coming over to pack my boxes, it will happen.
Specifically, I have a mental image of my hot, shirtless, Jerod Leto Look-a-like neighbor swinging by with a pony keg of a medium dark micro brew, offering to show me his packing prowess while I sit my sizeable ass on the sofa and paint my toenails. He may, or may not be covered in some sort of oil. Holding a guitar. But anyway, I digress…
I’d like to share with you several topics, my thoughts on them, and they are all, let’s just say, not what you discuss in the latest PTA meeting. It’s been a while since I posted a blog that makes my parents cringe. I’m overdue.
Tonight, my discussion will cover porn. *gasp* Yes, porn.
1 – Fake Boobs: I’m all behind the idea of a little nip and tuck. In fact, as soon as I’m not dead ass broke, my plan is to save up for a Mommy Makeover that will return the area from my tummy to my tittehs to their epic awesomeness from before I birthed two children the size of full grown King Charles Spaniels. However, and call me old fashioned, but I think boobs should at least PRETEND to look like you might have grown them yourself.
You want implants, awesome. If you put implants the size of a luxury SUV on the 110 pound frame of a girl barely out of puberty, they are going to look stupid, the skin will stretch so tight you can almost see through it, and when you lay down, it looks like oranges duct taped to your chest. If you’re really lucky, you can see the outline of the giant implant when you bounce around. Maybe it’s just me, but I think women are more perfect when they are less perfect. Honestly? I think men are more perfect when they are less perfect as well. Call me crazy, but real is sexy to me.
2 – Slapping the Wenus: Why do dudes do this in porn? Seriously, I fail to see how being slapped in the forehead with someone’s member is hot. And last time I checked, the peen was a sensitive organ, so I’m not sure where the turn on is. Pull some hair, slap a butt cheek like you mean it, but tapping out Morse code on a chick’s eyebrow with your dick just looks odd. If you need a little alone time to keep yourself at attention, isn’t that what the off camera fluffer is for?
I think if someone hit me with their Johnson during naked sexy time, I’d laugh. Or ask if they needed to tell me something. Or maybe tap them back with my boob. You know, in case this was some sort of body part messaging code I wasn’t privvy to. Pat pat pat, hey honey, guess what? Thwap Thwap… no thanks.
3 – That Weird “O” Face: Ok, I realize that all people make a different face when they are about to see Jeebus and Buddha during NST. However, and maybe it’s my background in theater, but it’s not hard to spot the chick on a porn who’s probably thinking about her grocery list or the fact that her thigh itches while she tries to convey ecstasy on camera as she does something menial.
You know which one I’m talking about, too. This is the girl making serious duck face with her lips, moaning, and screaming like she’s getting the mother of all orgasms, when she’s not even being touched, and might be doing something really exciting, like giving some dude a hand job. It looks like she is having gas pains, while she hollers, “Oh yes, yes, that’s it baby, that’s so hot!” I fail to be convinced that she’s about to O from the contact of wenus on the palm of her hand. If that were such a highly sensitive area on the body, we’d all be bakers for a living (mmmm, hot yeasty bread…), drive stick shifts (I don’t mind traffic, I just had 15 orgasms on my commute home from work), and wouldn’t be able to play catch due to the possibility of overstimulation. Just saying.
4 – Ridiculous “Love” Scenes: I applaud that more adult film is being steered toward a female audience, and it’s not as taboo as it once was. Women, as a rule, prefer to watch scenes where there is a genuine affection between the two people having sex. However, some of that crap is just stupid times ten. Like the movie that is supposed to appeal to women, because it’s about two folks who are in love, there’s romantic lighting, wine, lingerie that didn’t come from the German Latex Bondage site, decent music, and the sheets on the bed aren’t that cheap satin crap you get on sale at Wal-Mart.
Then the couple starts making out, and when they kiss, they do so like they’re going down on someone. No lip contact. Just weird tongue Kung Fu. Um, hey, guess what? That’s not romantic. That’s not what actual couples do, at least not more than once, after the girl says, “Hey babe, could you not lick my face while we’re kissing or poke at me with your pointy tongue?”
I find it interesting that porn stars can often screw like nobody’s business, but can’t convey real convincing kissing. Kissing is sexy. Kissing is a turn on. Maybe Julia Roberts had a point in Pretty Woman. Kissing is too intimate.
5 – Buttsecks: You can rarely find an adult flick these days that doesn’t include a little back door action, whether actual booty relations, hands, or a butt plug the size of a small vase. Fine. It’s another thing that has become less taboo than it used to be, which is great. High five for letting go of standard “rules” when it comes to doing the dirty. But (haha, I said “but”), here is my concern with it on film.
Let’s set the scene. Lonely housewife. *Doorbell* Handyman comes over to fix her garbage disposal, she answers the door in a see through lace nightie, and after a quick boob grab, followed by a 90 second beej, he jumps into the pooper and goes to town. I don’t get it. Why would a woman want someone who came over to clean out the garbage disposal to clean out HER garbage disposal within like 3 minutes? Most women wouldn’t want to have regular sex that quickly, sans foreplay.
My main issue here is that I think it gives dudes, especially those who are new to relations with actual real women in real life the idea that this would somehow be welcomed straight away. Newsflash, fellas, it’s not. That particular act requires a little or a lot of bit of build up, and preparation for. So don’t jump the gun the first time you’re in the sack with a girl and try to act out your latest porn fantasy by sticking it in the butt. One, she’s probably going to yell and/or hit you. Two, you could actually hurt her. Stick to the basics at first. Unless she’s a hooker, or a porn star. Or a tranny, and that’s the only option be cause she (he?) doesn’t have a vagina.
6 – Spitting: Maybe I’ve been living in a bubble (aka- married for the majority of the time between 2000-2010) for a really long time, but when did spitting on people become so prevalent in porn? I have a problem with finding someone making that hocking a loogie sound sexy at all. Buy some lube. Discretely lick your hand. What’s even more disturbing? Spitting when kissing! WTF?!?!?
Seriously. Ewww! Someone spits on my face while we’re making out? I’m going to punch them in the mouth, NST is over, and you can find me on the sofa watching reruns of “Friends” while sewing a voodoo doll that disables your salivary glands. Maybe it goes back to the intimacy thing. Maybe it’s a power thing. Whatever the case, it’s rude and not sexy at all.
7 – Shoes: This is a personal thing. I think wearing high heels during NST on camera looks hot. It looks hot in real life. Hot shoes are, well… sexy. The dude who’s wearing nothing but a stupid haircut from the mid 90’s, and high top sneakers while he goes to town looks ridiculous. Especially if they have chicken legs. Your throwback Nike Airs are not sexy. I promise, you don’t need the traction they offer. You’re not trying to make a game winning jump shot in the NBA. Please remove your shoes unless you are a girl, and you’re wearing knee high lace up black patent leather boots.
Conclusion: I have absolutely no problem with porn. I think it serves a purpose as a visual aide for a lot of folks during alone time, and can be a way for couples to spice things up, or explore options they might not have thought about. The only time I think that adult movies can cause an issue is when folks cannot separate fantasy from reality, and are unable to appreciate a real connection with a real person because in their head, sex is supposed to be like it is done by professionals. (FYI, even the professionals don’t screw like that when they are at home with their husbands.)
I see a lot of women get insecure when their men watch porn, like their men are wishing their significant other was a 22 year old with nary a flaw on her body, who wants to be screwed 10 ways to Sunday with a toy the size of a baby arm.
I’ve talked to a lot of men, as a good portion of my friends are male, and guess what, ladies? They aren’t comparing you. The vast majority of men would prefer a real woman in their bed to wake up to, even if she doesn’t have washboard abs, even if she doesn’t have an orgasm 40 times during a 5 minute lovemaking session, to taking care of business alone while watching porn
There are exceptions to the rule, always, but for the vast majority, the fact that your dude may like to view a little action from the professional set says nothing about how he feels for you. He doesn’t find you less sexy as a result. In fact, he probably thinks you’re hotter, because you’re the one he picked. You’re the one he’s taking to bed. Confidence is sexy. Don’t let the antics on screen of an adult movie make you feel less than. Just like you don’t let the actresses in Hollywood make you feel like you’re doing something wrong because you wore pajama pants to the grocery store and haven’t shaved your legs in three days.
Getting butt hurt, or weirded out over something he watches only causes issues where none should be. Insecurity is hands down one of the things men find least desirable in their partner. And that, girls, is a fact.