Instruction Manual – Carrie Ryan – Model Number 1973

So you’re in the market for a girl, and after browsing many styles, decide you want to try the sparkly pink haired chick out.  After all, when you push the “Try Here” button on the side of the box, you think this one is funny and interesting.

This device can be complicated, and sometimes how to operate her it isn’t so clear, leaving you wondering if you installed the batteries wrong, or were sent a defunct model.   This one also doesn’t come with a warranty, so if you break it, you won’t get a replacement that is just the same.  You’ll probably be left having to go for the Desperate to Settle Down 1970, who wears mom jeans with boring shoes, can’t cook anything that doesn’t come in a box and dishes out a lot of drama.  DSD1970 also shrieks like a harpy when angry and needs constant reassurance to avoid the “endless tears and insecurities” mode.

No one really wants to go through that, so thankfully, the Carrie Ryan comes with easy to follow instructions.


There are three key points in successfully operating a CR1973:  the head (A), the heart (B), and the special places (C).   The head is accessible right away, while the heart and special places can be utilized only once the head is engaged.

A – Proper use of the head

Tools Needed:  Wit, Intelligence, Timing, Manners, Tact, Sarcasm, Watch, Calendar

The CR1973 is quite responsive to an operator who makes her laugh.  Especially someone who can keep up with the smart-assed comments that flow like honey from her ring sporting lips without becoming butt hurt.   Knowledge of current events keeps her engaged, and topics including art, music, cooking, Austin, children, movies, tattoos and travel will increase battery life.  This is quite helpful when in “early dating” mode, because you will avoid having her leave early because the boring conversation is causing her to slowly slip into a coma.

You will find this unit responds very well to promptness and planning.  Having a central processor that relies on scheduling to keep it performing in tip top shape, she very much appreciates knowing what she needs to prepare for and when it is going to happen.

WARNING:  Avoid the following, or your CR1973 will become completely unresponsive!

  • Talking about how much money you make, she doesn’t care as long as she’s not expected to pay your bills
  • Speaking as if she is not the brightest crayon in the box
  • Only using the phone for texting.  The model listed above thrives on connection, so voice contact is essential.
  • Using poor manners in public, especially when it comes to bodily functions and table etiquette
  • Feeding her bullshit.  It might not happen right away, but the built in bullshit meter will go off, causing the device to shut down and make a hasty exit

You will know the head is engaged when you see her eyes light up as you are chatting, she laughs with ease, and talks to you on the phone for more than 5 minutes without making up a reason to go.

B – Unlocking the Heart

Tools Needed:  Chemistry, Thoughtfulness, Respect, Humor, Sincerity

This particular accessory can be tricky, as it comes shipped in “Safety” mode to avoid early damage from an unskilled operator.  Once you have the head of the CR1973 engaged, you can work toward using some of the more advanced functions of her heart, which is one of the best features she has.   The Carrie Ryan comes equipped with a huge heart, and cares deeply about others, but not immediately and not everyone.

Chemistry is a must to gain access to the “you might could possibly be someone I’d care about” option for this girl.  Without it, the system lacks the spark needed to fuel the feelers, so it’s best you move on to a different brand of woman.   It cannot be faked, and if it’s there, cannot be ignored.

The most important rule of operation when it comes to the heart (or the soft mushy gushy side) of the CR1973 is that you say what you mean, mean what you say, and avoid playing games.   While back and forth witty, flirty banter is always fun, the Carrie Ryan will only let down her guard when she senses that a person is genuine and has an idea where she stands.   Then you’re in for a treat because “Safety” mode turns off and you have found someone who will always have your back.

TIPS: Quick tips to ensure an easy transition to getting more emotion out of your CR1973

  • Do NOT to make her jealous by flaunting other women or boasting about your conquests.  She will not get sucked into this, instead she will simply leave you to your business
  • Do NOT spew cruel or thoughtless things out of anger.  Fighting dirty turns “Safety” mode back on, and fast
  • DO little things that let her know you are thinking of her.  A quick text in the middle of the day, a nice compliment out of nowhere, unexpected flowers, all good examples
  • DO say what’s really bothering you if something is.  If it’s something she did, she will do her best to remedy it.  If it’s not anything to do with her, she will not take it personally if you snip at her out of the blue.
  • DO be respectful that the CR1973 comes with two accessories, the SC2003 and the SC2005, which demand much of her time, energy and emotional resources.   With that said, know that if she makes time to spend with you, chances are it took a little planning to make happen.  Be flattered.

C – The Good Stuff, Getting to the Special Places

Tools Needed:  Confidence, Humor, Safety, Nice Lips, Dirty Hair Pulling

These instructions will NOT give you a play by play on how to access the Special Places of the CR1973.  The unit is equipped to determine when the time is right for these activities, and trying to rush them will only serve to engage the “Danger Dirty Dirty Man Whore” mode on your girl, making her suspect of your intentions in the first place.

The NST (naked sexy time) function on the Carrie Ryan can turn on any time after the head or the heart come into play, depending on the situation.  This model is not one to jump into the sack with just anyone, and if that is your immediate goal, please purchase the Sleazy Whore 1985, who will drop her panties simply because you’re cute and there is nothing good to watch on TV.    If you go that route, the makers of the SW1985 recommend that you have a shot of penicillin at hand and cab fare at the ready to send her home when you realize she is incapable of forming complete sentences or doing anything other than being hot and giving a good beej.

Otherwise, pay attention to the instructions for A and B, then rest assured that C will come into play as well on your CR1973.

We congratulate you on your interest in this one of a kind woman.  Play your cards right, and you might find you have an intelligent, witty, super smart-assed lady who is loyal to those she holds dear, finds liars and cheats nauseating and looks forward to spending her days looking for new experiences to share.    She’s going to keep you on your toes, make you laugh every day, bring you soup and a movie when you have the flu, and occasionally drive you out of your freaking mind.

But, all in all… she’s worth it.  All quirks, weirdness and general crazy aside, the CR1973 is pretty damn awesome.

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7 Responses to Instruction Manual – Carrie Ryan – Model Number 1973

  1. My favorite post so far…you are a riot CR1973!!!

  2. Ellen Smith says:

    I’ve been reading along for a while now. I just wanted to drop you a comment to say keep up the good work.

  3. Claire says:

    Ha! Found you via Cat up there! I am a 1985 model myself, but thankfully the techs skipped the Sleazy Whore install. Love this post- one of the best I have seen from talented women lately. Thanks for making me laugh:)

  4. LOL Claire! Sleazy Whore Function…heee

  5. Pingback: 7.23.11: Weekly Wrap Up « Honey Badger Press

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